Saturday, August 23, 2008

Flowers of destruction

2003 Aug 22 :

Kailash picked up the gear from behind the door. His son handed him a bag containing the coiled, hard braided lines, the harpoon and the shaft. Kailash started down the lane, waving to his son at the door. Then looked up at the sky. Nothing stormy (apparently!?!).

Kishore always wondered why his father looked at the sky. Today, he could see some thing. Two clouds swam past each other to leave an agglomerate that looked like a sweet crawling baby. Kailash smiled, eyes misty. There was going to be a baby in their family.


2008 July 6:

Good news on a good day. Kailash was being released from a Pakistani Jail along with some twenty other fishermen caught fishing on restricted waters. People were breathing celebration everywhere in the village of Zazilka as soon as this news hit the media. Soni was very excited. She was going to see her father for the first time. She helped her mother clean the house and decorate their hut's foreyard. It was her birthday the next day.


2008 July 8:

7:10 PM:

Kailash waved bye to the nice chap who dropped him at the market. He went into a shop.

He came out with a parcel rolled in a plastic cover and slid it into his pocket.

He turned around the corner, walked to the fourth house and knocked. He took three paces backwards to appreciate the rangoli on his foreyard. Then looked up at the sky. No storm(!?!) threatened to ruin this intricate design of his life's colours .


9:30 PM:

Soni was running around her father, being chased by Kishore. They were laughing out aloud. Nalini was making their bed.


11:30PM:

Kailash woke up, walked to the entrance and looked up at the sky. A set of stars were brighter and formed an eagle when connected. Something was on a wait!


1:00 AM:

River beyond him…River before him…River all around flooding the village.

Water all around,covering land all over.

Wind zooming like an unaimed arrow of a skilful archer.Darkness looming all over. Desperate cries pleading for rescue being paused and played.The sound of something crashing down.Heartbroken mourning..somewhere distantly close.

Kailash was sitting,clutching his daughter tight.Pulled his son towards him by shoulder.Nalini,by his side, holding his hand close.
Five minutes of subtle silence.One more foot to the water level.The tent was tilting dangerously to it’s left.

Kaiash jumped instinctively, carrying his son and daughter with him.

“Come fast!!”.. beckoning his wife at the pitch of his voice.Voice ripped apart in the whizzing storm.The tent, tilting slowly, was being carried away with the flow, carrying lucky Nalini, who didn’t have to see the mishap to follow, with it.

Confusion….Fear…..Grief.Children gripping him even more firmly,crying. “Mummy!!!Mummy!!!”. Waistdeep water…reached his shoulders .They were three now.He wanted to cry.He didn’t have the energy.There was no one to console.

There should be land somewhere.Where!??He didn’t even know if he was treading along in the right direction.

Wave after wave.Thorns piercing into his legs,children on the shoulders.Storm from beyond.Mouthful of salt water everytime a wave threw itself over.

“Betaaaa!!”

“Haaaan!”

“Hold me tight”..voice drenched in the cacophony of the storm.

They forgot their mother. Fear. Fear all around. Each time a lighting struck, he could see corpses floating scarily all around.Corpses. Of people,of snakes,of cattle. He hated the view. But if it didn’t strike,he was not able to see one foot ahead in this pitch darkness.

His shoulders were unable to bear the pain. More so on the right side, where his son was.He treaded along.

Kailash stopped and jolted his leg. The snake that was around his leg,went with the flow. Wait!He could hear what was coming from beyond. Before he could react,it was all over him. He was suffocated. Salt Water. He held his children firm. Along with the wave,the horn of a floating dead buffalo pierced into his right shoulder. He lost control of his son.

Cruel fate hit him again with a strong wave of water and carried his son along with it.

He really wanted to cry. But, his head was reeling and his body was numb. He couldn't figure out how to cry.

His daughter didn't speak a word. Till then. Now, she looked at his father and said " Papa! I am not as heavy as Bhaiya right?."


5:00 PM:

A nurse was attending to the wounds on Kailash's body. He woke up to the pinching iodine. He looked around for minutes and then silently, tears started rolling down his cheeks.

The nurse said. " I am very sorry for your loss. God is never kind ."

Kailash muttered." It is not about fate or God. I could have saved at least my daughter. Three hours of confused wading through the river drained me of all my energy, when I unfortunately spotted rescue lights far ahead."

Mutters turning into anguished shouting, he continued with a heaving breath "While death was looming all around and laughing at me in that neck deep water, I didn't think. I ... I threw my daughter down and swam to the rescue."


Saying this, he banged his head on the wall, ran to the window at the end of the corridor and jumped out of it. He landed with a thud.

In his left hand was a parcel. A bunch of flowers with a note.

" Happy Birthday Sweetheart! With love, Daddy"


Flowers of destruction.

Flowers that witnessed the destruction.

Flowers that survived the destruction.


PS: This piece is my article for some english creative writing thing for the on-the-spot topic "Flowers of Destruction".

37 comments:

Vijetha Nuthakki said...

somewhere in the tattered mind,damaged nuerons had tapped into sorrow and guilt.Truly well written.

yashashvi said...

Man...too much senti da..but well written..Engrossing, melodramatic, descriptive...STUD DA!!!!

nidadavolu nangu said...

touch chesavayya.. telugu cinema ni english lo raasinattu undhi.the time zone added spice to the story. ure vocabulary is an icing on the cake. waiting for the sequel dude. rock on.

Bharadwaj said...

awesome raaa.........

Father character feelings lovely

:)

MyTh said...

ill try to be truthful...the description of the storm was awesome, the short sentences in the beginning, and how they added together to form the image of the storm. But somewhere the story gets disconnected. All of a sudden you're somewhere else. And of course nobody likes a sad ending :)
otherwise awesome stuff

Soumik said...

which place is it??
u mentioned salt water and rivers, how??
how did he put a parcel, a "bunch of flowers" in his pocket??

leaving the details aside...

aggu, u made me read this blog , but seriouly i dont complain u made me read a very good thing, the story line was very gud, and even the plot well planned, combined with the details of the storm, the destruction all around, made one feel that we are standing there facing the storm myself.
anyhow gr8 writing ..

skareagle said...

hey nice post juni... keep it up... hope u won that creative writing thingie...

Soy Aghamarshan... said...

@ VJ:
Yeah, true. But for the fact that it is nEUrons. :))

@Yashashvi:

Thanks da.

@Mr. Nidadavolu:

May be the children are alive and I will write a sequel. Thanks for the idea.

@Bharadwaj:

Thanksup!


@Myth:

Thanks. And I thought the ending is not closed. Children could be alive.

@Shreyas:

Results not yet out :| . Thanks.

Soy Aghamarshan... said...

@ the other guy:

Firstly, ami bose, Soumik bose.

Secondly, this area is around the gulf of Karachi. Guj-Pak border. The river there is salty.

Thirdly, you can put a parcel of flowers in your pocket quite easily. :P

Fourthly, thy name is bose. Soumik Bose.

Adrija said...

okay i cant resist commenting on the pic ..
u look like some warrior of medieval India in make up

Neways that was a very VERY melodramatic story ...

one thing i didnt understand was how did the flowers end up next to his bedside if his children got carried away by the river?

Soy Aghamarshan... said...

@ adidas:

Yeah, this pic was of the time when I was playing a warrior character.

Thanks for the comment.

The bunch of flowers were safe in his pocket. And I put a plastic cover in the story to save it from water. Even now, if it doesn't make good sense to you. Call it something like creative freedom allowance or Right to blabber bullshit.

:)) thanks anyway.

Vijetha Nuthakki said...

yeah,well,'nEUrons.'finally!!!! lol :D

Sri Karun Dhurjati said...

aggu da.. "hut's foreyard"..and then, " the tent, tilting slowly".. they were out, camping,ehh?? :D
nice man... ur vocab never seems to saturate, and the thing commendable is that the use of all those exotic words is spot on, unlike many bloggers.
keep writing.. but stop forcing us to read :P

Akshay said...

Nice- a bit incoherent, though.

Ami aggu. said...

@ Karun:

They live in a slum bastard. Fishermen. They don't live in pucca houses.

And again Bastard!!! You were the one who told me to tell you the next time I blogged.

Thanks anyway!


@Akshay:

Thanks. Would be more thankful if you elaborated.

Pope said...

Frankly, nuvvu aa storm avi anesariki ala laptop meeda nidrapoya boss. Poddunna lechi choosthe janalu kottukupotunnaru.
Anyway, out of your usual style of blogging though the words aren't. I seriously can't believe the flowers were nice and fresh after all that they passed through.

Ami aggu. said...

@ pope:

You presumptuous mustard :))

Just when did I say that the flowers were fresh and healthy? I put them in a plastic cover in the idea of saving them from the water.

Thanks anyway.

Sri Karun Dhurjati said...

i was only talkin of the hut transfiguring itself into a tent.. and yea.. thanx for callin me what i am.. very precious few do..
P.S. force me to read next tym aroun too

Ami aggu. said...

@ Karun:

okay okay! My bad! :D

yabaji said...

Well Written!!
The sentiments were good. It was good to read through it.

Just one thing to be kept in mind.. Connecting the whole story is very important. Kaastha akkada chinna problem..

Rest everything.. is awesome!

Waiting for some more. :)

MaxP said...

wow .. a pretty grasping story! .. especially the 1:00 AM part. Things happening were described with proper justice done to the situation. Although, the scene in which the plot was set comes across as dubious.

Anyways .. best of luck with that competition dude! come up with something similarly creative .. and i can already see flowers of appreciation in your hands :P

youandmore said...

You surely have an talent of a sensitive writer...nice focus on tiny details.. jumping fast to different liners made it more interesting...!Good work!!

aditya said...

awesome man... it was really touching... i'm sure u won the gold in the competition... deenni ekta kaapoor ki iste easy ga oka 100 episodes aadichestundi ;)

Keizer Doe Corleone said...

Sab itna comments chhor rahe hai. Soch raha hoon ki padh hi loo.

Vikram Rathi said...

heyy...pretty good...
n it is far more better for on-the-spot...storyline is very catchy n will blow anyone away with its stream...

Vikram Rathi said...

"
Flowers that witnessed the destruction.

Flowers that survived the destruction. "
your this line, its really self-explanatory that how flowers survived... its was simply awesome...

Ami aggu. said...

@ Yabaji:

Thanks. Point noted :)

@ Maxp:

The plot was on the spot. So, may be it could cut across as dubious. :D
Thanks anyway.

@youandmore:

Thank you madame!

@Rathi da:

I am honoured to feature your comment on my blog :P.

Thanks a lot :)

Ami aggu. said...

@ Corleone:

Padh le @!@#$#$%^!!!

@ Padi:

Thanks ra. I don't think ekta kapoor can be a good idea. :))

Parth Reddy said...

Nice one man ...Aggu rocks

sidzoo said...

Nice dude! Awesome story, nice execution. But a suggestion, if I may. Stick to one tense, otherwise, it makes a bit of a messy read, if you know what I mean. It's hard to follow when the tense toggles.

mannings said...

the dim imagery of the storm is vivid.
ending is abrupt and dosent evoke any emotions.
critical comments:"Wind zooming like an unaimed arrow of a skilful archer" dosent make sense.

narendra said...

very nice.....touching story....could have been a bit more precise but sice it was on the spot...awesome...excellent..marvellous.
fantastic..outstanding... :)

stephen said...

Touching...Never thought you would write a serious story judging by the profile pic that you have put up :P ...anyways well done and keep going...C`est tres tres bien!!!

GN said...

although it seems that i am a bit late to comment cause so much has already been discussed but yet .. nice work .. ur style of writing is simple and straight forward which i like ... the pace was fast (rather very fast) ... a plot worth a chapter completed in a page but yet beautifully done .. :P tried being a bit technical in order to sound intellectual... ;)

Anup Bishnoi said...

this is interesting
there's promise of talent (sky etc) and there's inexperience of a first-timer (betaaaa :D), which only means you have better days ahead as a writer

technically i dont agree with the ending, though. the father won't be able to kill himself by his own will if he wasn't strong enough to die with his daughter on his shoulders. u made him jump just to sentofy the thing.

just an opinion
(shrug)

and u get 35 comments for this u fucker! is my blog invisible to people or what!
:P :P

the full blood prince said...

fine.. so finally here is a comment!
well the first thing that i noticed here was a mistake that i don't know how others didn't notice. the 3rd para says that kishore was released from the jail and the next para says that kailash bought a parcel for his daughter! ??
very well thought though! i appreciate it. the description of the storm.. unaimed arrow of a skillful archer n stuff.. mast hai!
could have a lil better.. some fine tunings!
but praiseworthy work! loved the ending!

Anonymous said...

Hi,
I have read this article of yours through ur Bro kaushik!...its Awesome story, well writen- felt like Malgudi days description!...

Bhargavi